Ive decided to stop blogging in the TTC/IF forum that Im currently in.
My husband and I have decided that now is not the time to try and conceive, and the more we discuss it the more we realize that we like our lives the way they are, right now. I dont know if this is because of my bipolar issues, maybe its just a phase, but right now Im wondering if Im trying to reach a goal just for the sake of accomplishment! I know that sounds harsh, but I feel like Ive been obsessing, plotting and planning for so long that maybe Ive lost track of what Im actually working toward.
You know, I had my best friends 7 month old over night last weekend, just one night, and while I had her I was thinking: I love her , she’s so cute, but is this what I really want?, Its so hard! Do I really want my life to change so drastically? All I could think of was– NO! And my husband was surprisingly on the same page. We still do want to have a family, just not right now. Im not the kind of person who can handle being a mother and going to school full time! I cant even work and go to school at the same time, and mother-hood is much harder than working or going to school– I know that. Im kinda scared of motherhood, Ive been married–without children for so long I dont know if I can change!
Anyway my new blog is all about me, same old me, no TTC. Come and visit me so I wont be lonely during this transition 
Ive know for a couple of weeks that it wasn’t going to pan out, but I was still hopeful. Im getting to the point of giving up! Nothing seems to ever work out, and everything is always so up and down. Ive been doing a lot of thinking lately and Im just not sure how to proceed. Since I just started school this year and I still have a very long road ahead of me in that department, Im just not sure if its a good time to get pregnant. But then I start thinking about how old I’ll be when Im done with school, 36, and how old hubbie will be, 54, and I dont want to put it off until then because we will be to old to consider TTC at that point. Ive just never wanted to start my motherhood journey after 35, plus since hubbie is a lot older than me I have to take that into consideration. Also Ive been giving a little more though to our states foster-to-adopt program and Im starting to wonder if that would be a better avenue for us. I dont know, alot of thinking is ahead. But right now I know one thing, TTC is not in the near future. Im so depressed. Every year that passes leaves me more hopeless.
, and also it seems to really improve my mood and gives me much more energy! Needless to say that Im hooked! Thanks so much to everyone for all the advise. It really helped and made me feel so supported 