Unmedicated Hell

For those of you who dont know heres what Bipolar disorder is all about:

Bipolar disorder is not a single disorder, but a category of mood disorders defined by the presence of one or more episodes of abnormally elevated mood, clinically referred to as mania. Individuals who experience manic episodes also commonly experience depressive episodes or symptoms, or mixed episodes which present with features of both mania and depression. These episodes are normally separated by periods of normal mood, but in some patients, depression and mania may rapidly alternate, known as rapid cycling. The disorder has been subdivided into bipolar I, bipolar II and cyclothymia based on the type and severity of mood episodes experienced.

Well with that said, now I can move on to the fact that have been off my mood stabilizers for about two months, give or take a week,  and needless to say Im a much happier stable person with the drugs

 I decided to go off the medication for a couple of reasons. 

1. The cost… Since im a student and have no medication insurance, the medications were costing about $200 a month! Which is a lot to my single income family.

2. TTC… Since my medication was so new there haven’t really been any studies or data on pregnancy related side effects, so I thought it was best not to risk it.  Also it does take a few months for it to completely leave your system. And I wanted to be physically and emotionally stable by the time we started back up with AI.

Now I have actually been doing really well so far without being on meds. Not like last time when my hubbie was away in alaska. I was a nervous wreck. All I did way cry and stay in my jammies all day long. Im hoping not to get to that point.  Im not going to sugar coat it and say its not difficult….. one minute I feel good, motivated, happy, anxiety free…… and then the next moment im all the opposite, and I can do is wallow, cry, complain, feel angry, and resentful. Its quite the roller-coaster. But this time around I feel like Im armed with the understanding of my body and mind, which helps me better combat these mood imbalances.  Now I just hope I get knocked up, and it will be all worth wild.

 

Sucky Boring Week

So far nothing really fun or interesting has happened this week. Ive been neglectful of my blog because I have nothing much to say. Just normal life I guess, going to school ( well kinda, Ive been skipping here and there!) I think im going through a small depression right now. Its been several months since I stopped taking all my mood stabilizers for Bipolar, and I wonder if thats finally starting to catch up to me. I just feel so unmotivated. I haven’t even been doing my homework, and feel so uninterested in my classes. Which is so unlike me  I really hope it passes soon, I cant live like this.

 Anywho… Tomorrow Im supposed to have a girls night with my bestfriend “J” and her sister. They both want to go see 27 Dresses, which Ive already seen, but I’ll go again since it was so good. After we’ll probably go for dinner and drinks a little alcoholic pick me up ……… Good think I ovulated yesterday, so this wont screw up my temping or OPK’s! YAY

Speaking of OPK’s, I started using those clear blue easy digital ones, and let me just say that they are so wonderful Getting a clear answer is so worth the price! I cant wait until I can use them in a real attempt to get knocked up lol

I hope everyone is doing well, and sorry Im so boring right now ;) 

Lazy Days

This weekend was nice and easy. Just they way I like it

 Yesterday, I went and saw a movie by myself while hubbie was at work, and then went out to dinner with hubbie  It turned out to be a pleasing evening And then today we went and saw 27 dresses. It was so sweet and cute, I love sappy chick flicks. They make my insides smile Hubbie like it too. After the movie is was out to lunch and then to the mall for some sunday shopping. The mall was overcrowded and I really didnt enjoy it, but I did get a new wireless mouse for my macbook, which is what I went for in the first place. Its the only Mac store within like a hundred miles of me, so I had no choice but to enter a mall, which  I haven’t done since christmas. Just when we got home, and I was all changed back into my comfie clothes again, my sister called. I guess she is having trouble with her roof and needed me to come over to watch the kiddos while she and her hubbie went up to re-roof the bad parts of her existing roof. Now five hours later, Im home. Now I love my sister and her kiddos, but that was not how I planned on spending the rest of my weekend.

Oh well, I still have tomorrow. MLK day, no school, and I didnt tell a soul. So everyone will think Im in class ;) 

“Atonement”

Went to see it this morning while Hubbie was at work. Kinda odd, but very interesting. I havent read the book, and after seeing the movie I dont know that I would want to. The plot and story are somewhat confusing on the big screen, so I dont know how it could be any better in print. 

 I would definitely recommend seeing it. It’s a major chick flick so go with your girlfriends

Happy Weekend 

Vasectomy Reversal???

Nope, not for us I dont think. 

 Hubbie and I contemplated it several years back, and its still wandering in my mind occasionally. But I think its been too long? Im not 100% sure, but when we initially had the consultation (about 5yrs ago) the urologist said that with every year we wait to do the reversal  the chance of success goes down. So I guess I just figured that by now it would be like flushing money down the toilet!  I wonder though, I wish I could hear some success stories about vasectomy reversal after 15+ yrs.  

I guess I just think its a closed door. Ultimately, I just want to be a mother. The cheapest and easiest way possible. I dont care about genetics, or if they look like me & hubbie. I just want them, anyway will do

So now Im back to square one, so to speak. Picking donors from NW, and its difficult. How do you choose? 

A No Go

Well I was supposed to meet with “C” today, but everything has been falling through the cracks for the last day or two. It started with my mom telling me that “C” has been discussing the possibilities of visitation, child support and other “father” related subjects with her. I told her that all this stuff is totally out of the question, and we are looking for a “donor” not a second father. I mean agreeing to give him updates and pictures annually was a stretch for us. My poor mom, the go between, but thank goodness, its so awkward talking about all this crap. Anyway, she was still kinda pushing that I meet with him today so that I could try to convince him, but I just think “convincing” someone to do what you want only leads to trouble, and this is one department I dont want trouble in. So this morning she called be, and said that she talked to “C” one last time and he says that the visitation is not negotiable. So I just called the whole thing off. I dont need all this drama, and its not fair to my mom who somehow got stuck in the middle.

 Anywho… I felt a little disappointed this morning, but now Im over it. I wasn’t sure that the whole known donor thing was such a good idea. I mean I was hopeful because it meant spending less money, convenience, and starting with inseminations right away. But I had my doubts, I prayed alot about it, and asked god to show me what to do, and I feel like this all ended the right way.

Now, back to the original plan. Start home donor AI around april-ish, via NW Andrology. 

The “Vasectomy”

I struck me last night while lying in bed, that most of you, if not all have no idea why we are using donor sperm. So I thought I’d tell the story. 

Hubbie and I met in February 1997, I was sixteen. Wow, that looks weird in writing :P….. Anywho, He already had the vasectomy when I met him, and I was to young and didnt know what I was really getting into. Not to say that I wouldn’t have married him, but I would have taken more time considering it if I were older, I think. When we got married I was 18, and thought I didnt want kids. So we thought it was perfect. It didnt hit me until about five years later, that I really did want children. It was then that I started to feel bitter because hubbie already had kids, three to be exact, and even though it didnt bother me when we got married, I was starting to realize that I felt gipped. Then things got worse in that department about two years ago when we got a random letter in the mail from L.A., child support office. Apparently there were two more children out there that he was “forgetting”, yeah right, I still dont believe that. I think he just didnt want to listen to me hating him for previously being a “man-whore” and denying my right to motherhood. (Can you tell Im over that? LOL) For better or worse, thats what I keep telling myself. Ive forgiven, even though it really was a lifetime ago that all these children were produced and the sterilization took place. I still have to forgive, because if I dont I’ll always blame him even though its not his fault. So by now your probably figuring out that hubbie is a lot older then me, 18 years to be exact. So when I say a lifetime ago, I mean it. 

 So through all of this, Ive had to deal with my passion for motherhood, which only gets worse every year, and suppress feelings of resentment. But now I finally feel ok with it all, the past anyway. Now the future is ahead, a future with at least one little angel running around. I think our relationship has actually become stronger through all of this. I think most people wouldn’t have made it through some of these trials, but we did. Stronger then ever, and finally on the same page, A page that includes a baby

Bumped

Well I was hoping to meet with “C”(our known donor), either yesterday or today, but that didnt happen. He had school yesterday and wanted to rest today. So we agreed to meet up on tuesday since he will be starting an internship with my mom next week, at least I will be able to track him down now I was a little disappointed that I wasn’t able to meet up with him, but as long as we get everything accomplished before I ovulate then things will be fine.

Anywho.. This weekend has been mellow, just like I wanted. For some reason I thought that classes were canceled for monday, but to my disappointment I found that was not true.  So back to business as usual tomorrow. 

We didnt do a thing this weekend. I was hoping to go see a movie, 27 dresses to be specific, but somehow we never made it Do you ever feel like you have a list of things you want to do, but end up doing none of them? Im sure everyone does.

I hope everyone had a nice weekend. And I hope and even better Monday  :D

Homemade Peppermint Mocha

Yeah, I did it. I figured out how to make my very own and it tastes just like starburcks, except mine is sugar free,  I never did understand why they put so much freaking sugar in there, I mean can you say ” diabetic coma” ? LOL… I dont have diabetes, but after several of those I just might.

 Any-who… The weekend has started and haven’t accomplished anything as of yet. Im supposed to meet with our known donor to iron out the details and sign the contract. Yep, My hubbie agreed and we are moving forward with “C” as our donor. Its not 100% for sure yet. I need to sit down with him and discuss what exactly we are looking for, as far as visitation and all that hoo haa. Really I need to sit him down and say, ” You will never be able to see this child, unless I bump into you on the street!” Harsh, I know, but its the truth, and the truth must be told in these types of situations. We need to discuss how many times I will need him each month, and both of our overall expectations. At this stage Im not sure if things will work out with him, but Im optimistic.  The only thing that bothers me is that he has a very busy schedule, he’s a full time student and also works part time, so its hard to get ahold of him, and hard for him to find the time to meet me. So, my hope is that we can get everything set in stone, and start this cycle, which is in about 10 day

This week was rough, school felt long and hard. So this weekend will be mellow

I hope everyone has a fantastic weekend

XOXO 

Known Donor

 

SO, I found a guy willing to be a know donor for us. He is a mutual friend of my mom and me. He’s 23, healthy, just had recent STD screening, gay, and pretty attractive. I initially thought of him when my mom and I were talking about when we were going to start TTC, and she asked why we dont just use fresh sperm? 

 And I said, ” if you can find a willing man, then Im on board.” Then I said, “what about C?” Kinda joking, i mean its pretty intense to walk up to someone and say, “Hey, wanna father my child?” But my mom has been good friends with him for a long time and she said that he would probably say yes. So she asked him and the rest is history.  I still have to call him, and get together to work out the details, but Im hoping that we can start this cycle.  

 Now, here are my concerns. He agrees to have no part in raising the child, and doesn’t want visitation or anything, but he does want “updates”. Like a picture here and there, and just to know how the child is doing.  No big deal, at least I dont think. BUT, Im not sure how my hubbie is going to feel about this. We have talked about using a know donor in the past, and even contemplated using one of his friends or brothers, but nothing ever came out of those conversations. I dont know how he will feel about “C’s” request for “updates” on the child. I mean ultimately we really dont want ANY contact with a donor, but when using a known donor its a little more tricky. I think mostly Im scared that he wont want to do it, and I feel like there are alot of benefits to doing it this way. Like, um the fact that its FREE!! And I can see what kind of traits and characteristics the father has, I can maintain updated family history, theres probably more but I cant think of them now.  

Next,  theres the matter of the contract. Where do I start with that? I dont want to get a lawyer; I dont feel like I need one. Where can I find a template for known donor agreements? I know nothing about this aspect, and will need to get this figured out before we start.I’ll be talking to hubbie today about everything, and hopefully we’ll be on the same page.