Its Over

Ive decided to stop blogging in the TTC/IF forum that Im currently in.

 My husband and I have decided that now is not the time to try and conceive, and the more we discuss it the more we realize that we like our lives the way they are, right now. I dont know if this is because of my bipolar issues, maybe its just a phase, but right now Im wondering if Im trying to reach a goal just for the sake of accomplishment! I know that sounds harsh, but I feel like Ive been obsessing, plotting and planning for so long that maybe Ive lost track of what Im actually working toward. 

You know, I had my best friends 7 month old over night last weekend, just one night, and while I had her I was thinking: I love her , she’s so cute, but is this what I really want?, Its so hard! Do I really want my life to change so drastically? All I could think of was– NO! And my husband was surprisingly on the same page.  We still do want to have a family, just not right now. Im not the kind of person who can handle being a mother and going to school full time! I cant even work and go to school at the same time, and mother-hood is much harder than working or going to school– I know that. Im kinda scared of motherhood, Ive been married–without children for so long I dont know if I can change! 

Anyway my new blog is all about me, same old me, no TTC. Come and visit me so I wont be lonely during this transition 🙂

http://where-hope-floats.blogspot.com/ 

Published in: on March 9, 2008 at 4:48 pm  Comments (5)  

Out Before I Began

We were supposed to do DICI in march, but do to financial road blocks that is not going to happen 😦 Ive know for a couple of weeks that it wasn’t going to pan out, but I was still hopeful. Im getting to the point of giving up! Nothing seems to ever work out, and everything is always so up and down. Ive been doing a lot of thinking lately and Im just not sure how to proceed. Since I just started school this year and I still have a very long road ahead of me in that department, Im just not sure if its a good time to get pregnant. But then I start thinking about how old I’ll be when Im done with school, 36, and how old hubbie will be, 54, and I dont want to put it off until then because we will be to old to consider TTC at that point. Ive just never wanted to start my motherhood journey after 35, plus since hubbie is a lot older than me I have to take that into consideration. Also Ive been giving a little more though to our states foster-to-adopt program and Im starting to wonder if that would be a better avenue for us. I dont know, alot of thinking is ahead. But right now I know one thing, TTC is not in the near future. Im so depressed. Every year that passes leaves me more hopeless. 

 As far as my cycle and the luteal phase concern, I started taking large doses of B-complex and Folic acid, and that seems to be helping so far 🙂 I only started on CD9 and have already noticed a difference in the length of my cycle, Im on CD12 right now 😀 , and also it seems to really improve my mood and gives me much more energy! Needless to say that Im hooked! Thanks so much to everyone for all the advise. It really helped and made me feel so supported 😀 , Thanks again.

Happy Weekend to all

 

XOXO 

Published in: on March 1, 2008 at 7:38 pm  Comments (6)  

LPD?

Ive been doing some research on Luteal phase defect, and Im starting to wonder if I have it. It started with fertility friend: I analyzed my chart and it said that my luteal phase varies more than the norm, and also could be considered too short.

Now since Ive never been pregnant or had a miscarriage due to the shorter LP its hard to know if this is a real issue without going to the doctor. Which I obviously want to avoid since I dont have any medical coverage.

So I thought I would ask all you brilliant ladies, my LP is usually 10 days but has gone up to 13 or 14 once or twice, but 99% of the time its 10 days. Is that too short?

Heres a Poll:  Whats your LP length ?

 

Published in: on February 23, 2008 at 9:28 am  Comments (21)  

Your Comments Wanted

Im writing a persuasive essay on why insurance company’s should cover infertility diagnosis and treatments. 

 If you could write to your insurance company and give them one reason why they should cover your treatments, What would it be?

Also if you could educate others on how infertility has affected your life what would you say?

Thanks for your comments 😀 

Published in: on February 17, 2008 at 9:12 pm  Comments (8)  

Life As a Student

This week has been long and difficult! Ive been so busy with school that I haven’t had time to blog, or even look at other peoples blogs. So unlike me! Usually I at least read everyones new posts, even if I dont have time or energy to comment. So when I found myself at the end of the school week with no idea how my blog buddies were doing, I was slightly sad and lonely…. Well no I can say that Im updated on everyone’s week, so heres what I did this week.

 Like I said earlier, school was very busy this week. I had two papers in my writing class due (One of which I didnt start until this week!), Two exams in my geology class, and one exam in my math class! Now for those of you who have never been tortured by going to college, let me just say, 1) Your extremely Lucky, and 2) Its really hard and a lot of work!  For me going to school full time is much harder than when I worked full time. Unlike a job where you do get the luxury of clocking out, school work is never ending. After I spent 4-5 hours a day at the college campus, I have to come home and study. Sometimes Im lucky and only have to read or study for a couple of hours, and other times Im studying the entire day. Its exhausting!!  With that said… Im so unbelievably grateful that I am able to go to school full time and not have to work at the same time! I did that five years ago, It SUCKED, and I wouldn’t do it again or wish it on anyone.

For Valentines Day, we didnt do much, Just saw a movie, Jumper , and then came home. Everything is always so packed on VDay, and our wedding anniversary is on 2/20, so we never feel the need to do much.  Speaking of our anniversary, we are going to go to my favorite restaurant, They have an amazing all you can eat brunch on Sundays. Its not your typical buffet, its exquisite and gourmet, not to mention the only way to get out for under $300. It should be really fun 😀

Anywho… On another note, we will be TTC next month. Hubbie and I talked about it, and we really want to give it a shot. I have picked a donor. Im hoping and praying that he will be available when I call, please hope and pray with me . Hes the only hispanic donor they have listed! For some reason I have a really good feeling about the upcoming insemination. Ive been having a lot of dreams about pregnancy and motherhood. I dont know if they mean anything, and Im trying not to get my hopes up. I just have a gut feeling about it 😉

 Well I hope everyone is doing well and had a romantic Valentines day 😉 Happy Weekend 😀

 

XOXO 

 

Published in: on February 16, 2008 at 7:28 pm  Comments (7)  

The Countdown is ON

18 days until Hubbie and my 9th wedding anniversary 😀

47 days until Winter Quarter is over!

58 days until Spring Quarter starts!

Approximately 58 day until hubbie heads up to Alaska for 5 months!

72 days, give or take depending on ovulation, Until our first home AI 😛 WOO HOO

For some reason today, Im thinking about upcoming events, and putting everything in these terms makes it seem so close! 

Published in: on February 2, 2008 at 2:02 pm  Comments (7)  

Vasectomy Reversal???

Nope, not for us I dont think. 

 Hubbie and I contemplated it several years back, and its still wandering in my mind occasionally. But I think its been too long? Im not 100% sure, but when we initially had the consultation (about 5yrs ago) the urologist said that with every year we wait to do the reversal  the chance of success goes down. So I guess I just figured that by now it would be like flushing money down the toilet!  I wonder though, I wish I could hear some success stories about vasectomy reversal after 15+ yrs.  

I guess I just think its a closed door. Ultimately, I just want to be a mother. The cheapest and easiest way possible. I dont care about genetics, or if they look like me & hubbie. I just want them, anyway will do 😀

So now Im back to square one, so to speak. Picking donors from NW, and its difficult. How do you choose? 

Published in: on January 17, 2008 at 7:04 pm  Comments (8)  

A No Go

Well I was supposed to meet with “C” today, but everything has been falling through the cracks for the last day or two. It started with my mom telling me that “C” has been discussing the possibilities of visitation, child support and other “father” related subjects with her. I told her that all this stuff is totally out of the question, and we are looking for a “donor” not a second father. I mean agreeing to give him updates and pictures annually was a stretch for us. My poor mom, the go between, but thank goodness, its so awkward talking about all this crap. Anyway, she was still kinda pushing that I meet with him today so that I could try to convince him, but I just think “convincing” someone to do what you want only leads to trouble, and this is one department I dont want trouble in. So this morning she called be, and said that she talked to “C” one last time and he says that the visitation is not negotiable. So I just called the whole thing off. I dont need all this drama, and its not fair to my mom who somehow got stuck in the middle.

 Anywho… I felt a little disappointed this morning, but now Im over it. I wasn’t sure that the whole known donor thing was such a good idea. I mean I was hopeful because it meant spending less money, convenience, and starting with inseminations right away. But I had my doubts, I prayed alot about it, and asked god to show me what to do, and I feel like this all ended the right way.

Now, back to the original plan. Start home donor AI around april-ish, via NW Andrology. 

Published in: on January 15, 2008 at 10:49 pm  Comments (7)  

The “Vasectomy”

I struck me last night while lying in bed, that most of you, if not all have no idea why we are using donor sperm. So I thought I’d tell the story. 

Hubbie and I met in February 1997, I was sixteen. Wow, that looks weird in writing :P….. Anywho, He already had the vasectomy when I met him, and I was to young and didnt know what I was really getting into. Not to say that I wouldn’t have married him, but I would have taken more time considering it if I were older, I think. When we got married I was 18, and thought I didnt want kids. So we thought it was perfect. It didnt hit me until about five years later, that I really did want children. It was then that I started to feel bitter because hubbie already had kids, three to be exact, and even though it didnt bother me when we got married, I was starting to realize that I felt gipped. Then things got worse in that department about two years ago when we got a random letter in the mail from L.A., child support office. Apparently there were two more children out there that he was “forgetting”, yeah right, I still dont believe that. I think he just didnt want to listen to me hating him for previously being a “man-whore” and denying my right to motherhood. (Can you tell Im over that? LOL) For better or worse, thats what I keep telling myself. Ive forgiven, even though it really was a lifetime ago that all these children were produced and the sterilization took place. I still have to forgive, because if I dont I’ll always blame him even though its not his fault. So by now your probably figuring out that hubbie is a lot older then me, 18 years to be exact. So when I say a lifetime ago, I mean it. 

 So through all of this, Ive had to deal with my passion for motherhood, which only gets worse every year, and suppress feelings of resentment. But now I finally feel ok with it all, the past anyway. Now the future is ahead, a future with at least one little angel running around. I think our relationship has actually become stronger through all of this. I think most people wouldn’t have made it through some of these trials, but we did. Stronger then ever, and finally on the same page, A page that includes a baby 😀

Published in: on January 14, 2008 at 9:39 am  Comments (8)  

Homemade Peppermint Mocha

Yeah, I did it. I figured out how to make my very own 🙂 and it tastes just like starburcks, except mine is sugar free,  I never did understand why they put so much freaking sugar in there, I mean can you say ” diabetic coma” ? LOL… I dont have diabetes, but after several of those I just might.

 Any-who… The weekend has started and haven’t accomplished anything as of yet. Im supposed to meet with our known donor to iron out the details and sign the contract. Yep, My hubbie agreed and we are moving forward with “C” as our donor. Its not 100% for sure yet. I need to sit down with him and discuss what exactly we are looking for, as far as visitation and all that hoo haa. Really I need to sit him down and say, ” You will never be able to see this child, unless I bump into you on the street!” Harsh, I know, but its the truth, and the truth must be told in these types of situations. We need to discuss how many times I will need him each month, and both of our overall expectations. At this stage Im not sure if things will work out with him, but Im optimistic.  The only thing that bothers me is that he has a very busy schedule, he’s a full time student and also works part time, so its hard to get ahold of him, and hard for him to find the time to meet me. So, my hope is that we can get everything set in stone, and start this cycle, which is in about 10 day 😀

This week was rough, school felt long and hard. So this weekend will be mellow 🙂

I hope everyone has a fantastic weekend

XOXO 

Published in: on January 12, 2008 at 11:29 am  Comments (5)